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Oh merde, quoi tu fais là ? Deux secondes, je pose ma tartine pain d’épices grillé/foie gras/figue, je m’essuie les paluches et je suis à toi…

Hop. Voilà. Non mais faudrait pas saloper le clavier du MacBook : c’est la machine du boulot vois-tu, je suis pas un salaud de bourgeois. Du coup, tant que je te tiens ami lecteur, laisse moi te souhaiter un Joyeux Noël. J’espère que Fat Santa est venu représenter pour tous les Lapons dans ton logis, que t’es au chaud et entouré des tiens. J’espère aussi que comme moi, tu baignes dans ta sueur après un repas de réveillon interminable, au cours duquel l’oncle Henri a insisté pour te faire goûter TOUS les blancs moelleux de sa cave. Ce que l’oncle Henri ne savait pas, c’est que j’avais déjà éclusé les réserves en bière du bar du TGV franco-allemand en guise d’apéro. On est bien Tintin, on est bien.

En tout cas, c’est super sympa d’être passé. Je te bise allègrement de ma contrée reculée et te souhaite à nouveau d’excellentes fêtes de fin d’année. Une fois de retour à la civilisation, je me fendrai très probablement d’un détail de mes nouvelles possessions à tendances nerdifiantes. Après tout, quelle meilleure occasion que Noël pour me lancer enfin dans l’unboxing vidéo ?!

Puisque je suis pas un enculeur de maman, je te propose que l’on se quitte sur un spoiler musical d’un des présents surcités :

AHA ! Comme je viens de te caser un faux blind test de Noël ! Fierté, un peu.

Au temps pour moi

nov 21, 2010
4 Commentaires

Donkey Kong Country. A Link to the Past. Illusion of Time. Super Turrican II. Mario Kart. Super Scope 6. Killer Instinct. Super Mario World. F-Zero. Super Ghouls’n Ghosts. Super Castlevania IV. Chrono Trigger. Krusty Super Fun House. Breathe of Fire II. Micro Machines. Sim City. Tintin au Tibet. Super Street Fighter II Turbo. Super Punchout. Bubsy. Starfox. Contra 3. Mortal Kombat 2. Secret of Mana. Shaq-Fu. Cool Spot. Pilotwings. Adams Family. Actraiser. Megaman 7. Super Star Wars. Super Metroid. Animaniacs. Final Fight. Magical Quest : starring Mickey Mouse. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV. Tiny Toon Adventures. NBA Jam. Super Offroad. Super Bomberman. Lemmings.

Autant de moments de jeux fabuleux et de séquences pyrogravées dans le ciboulot. Autant d’attentes de sorties fébriles et d’achats hasardeux au détour d’un marché aux puces. Autant de carburant de qualité pour mon imaginaire de gosse et de persévérance à apprécier de sombres navets. Autant de bugs de collisions, de sprites flashy, de manettes projetées de rage, d’air soufflé dans des cartouches et de tentatives d’esquiver mes devoirs.

Joyeux Anniversaire Super Famicom. 20 ans. Jamais une console ne m’aura laissé autant de bon souvenirs.


oct 28, 2010
2 Commentaires

Incroyable, je viens de finir un jeu Bioware. Enfin, je dis « incroyable » :  loin de moi l’idée de conspuer le studio et ses réalisations, bien au contraire. C’est juste que ça faisait un bail. La faute au hasard et au manque de temps, ces deux fieffés fils de bougresse, qui m’ont tenu à l’écart des Mass Effect et autres Dragon Age… Jusqu’à aujourd’hui.

Ah… Dragon Age. Persévérer tout au long d’un tel volume d’heures de jeu, j’avais presque perdu l’habitude. La vérité c’est qu’il n’a pas été nécessaire de persévérer. J’ai plongé tout net. Un vrai plaisir de tâter un RPG occidental de cette trempe, à cheval entre l’époque D&D et les systèmes simplifiés à la KOTOR. Pourtant au premier contact, pas de coup de foudre : j’ai entamé le titre du bout des dents, pas sûr d’accrocher à cet univers classico-classique. C’est fou ce que l’on peut devenir exigeant avec les années. Si on m’avait collé Dragon Age dans les pognes dix ans en arrière, j’aurai instantanément plaqué ma scolarité pour ne faire plus qu’y jouer. En 2010, j’ai commencé par chouiner : « Des humains, des nains, des elfes et des mages, bien les potes, super original !« , « Moui, la DA n’est pas ouf’malad, ça manque de saveur… » Bon par contre j’ai vite compris que c’était comme juger la surface de l’eau avant de plonger en combi : quand tu remontes quatre heures après, tu fermes un peu bien ta bouche.

Là c’est ouam. Je fais un peu grise mine parce que je me suis mis de la sauce arrabiata partout.

Du roleplaying à gogo, de gros emprunts assumés à Tolkien pour le scénario (ça marche bien !) et la juste noisette de piment niveau difficulté : bon, très bon moment même. Ceci dit, contrairement à ce que ferait le moi de 2002 (2,21 GIGOWATTS !) je n’embrayerai pas directement sur les add-ons. Et non. En 2010, le Gautoz a les dents du fond qui baignent bien plus vite qu’avant. Au delà de 40 heures sur un titre, le bon esprit se mue en impatience, voire en acharnement. Je boucle les dernières heures les dents serrées, l’objectif n’étant non plus de terminer une aventure, mais de pouvoir enfin en débuter une nouvelle. Oui parce qu’en plus d’être boulimique, je suis monotâche. Le gendre parfait, parlez-en à vos ami(e)s.

Quoiqu’il en soit, me voilà réconcilié avec le RPG, pour le meilleur et pour le pire. Le meilleur c’est que je suis parfaitement vierge de la saga Mass Effect, que j’aurai toujours un petit DLC de Dragon Age dans un coin pour les longues soirées d’hiver et que la suite s’annonce effin’ épique. Le pire c’est que j’ai encore et toujours un travail, des amis, une famille. Tant d’ignobles parasites qui vont à coup sûr tenter de me détourner de l’élévation suprême : lorsque l’homme, son caleçon à fleurs, sa souris et son paquet de Golden Grahams ne font plus qu’un. Toi-même tu sais.

One book to rule them all…

sept 21, 2010
3 Commentaires

Aujourd’hui j’étais parti pour vous présenter ma nouvelle acquisition nerdifiante : un bien choli artbook « Okami : official complete work ». J’avais envie de dire au monde à quel point je le trouvais cool avec sa cover façon grimoire, à quel point les aquarelles annotées étaient un régal et qu’il était bien entendu édité chez Plomb, pour un prix dérisoire de seulement 495 FRANCS !

J’ai donc rien moins que mis coloc’ sur le coup pour un shooting photo. Mais quand je me suis retrouvé en studio, un samedi soir, à le regarder régler ses lumières sur le vernis doré de la première de couv’… BAM ! L’épiphanie mes petits, le grand éclair.

Mais quel être déviant inflige ça à autrui ? Qui plus est à ses amis ? N’aurais-je pu simplement photographier l’objet du délit dans mon coin, un cliché de la couverture, une double page intérieur, emballé c’est pesé merci Jeannine ?

Et bien… non. Pas du tout. Déjà parce que je pense que vous vous tamponnez royalement du fait que j’ai précommandé des espadrilles Tintin et Milou ou que j’ai filmé le déballage vidéo de mon presse-purée Zelda. Ce qui tombe plutôt pas mal, au départ je trouve.

J’ai surtout compris que ce bouquin était plus qu’une reliure de feuillets mignons, en fait. C’est une possession matérielle dont le sujet est totalement virtuel, un totem geek comme il en existe des milliards, dans des millions de piaules adulescentes all over ze globe. Sauf qu’avec la fièvre du déménagement qui me tient depuis le début de mes études, j’ai jamais été foutu d’installer ne serait-ce qu’une étagère dans mes chez moi : « De la déco ? Mais t’as craqué garçon ? Si ça se trouve dans quatre mois je serai même plus là ! »

C’était plus ou moins l’esprit, ‘voyez ?

Pour ceux du fond qui dormaient, je retourne ces jours ci à la sédentarité, après cinq mois de couchsurfing et autres contrats locatifs obscurs. Grosse grosse envie d’une vie en dur, sans cartons encore emballés sous le plumard. D’un coup le simple artbook devient tout un symbole : un irrésistible appel à l’achat d’une bibliothèque, une complainte lancinante pour que je lui trouve de petits camarades. Que ça déborde de vie, de merdes en tout genre, que ça prenne du temps à remballer le jour venu. Que ça frise la boulimie et le culte de l’objet.

Inutile donc indispensable ? MAIS CARREMENT ! M’en fous, je suis chez moi.

Et ouais.

Photos par Jérome Wehrle, un frais garçon s’il en est.

Vox populi videoludica

sept 16, 2010
11 Commentaires

Tout d’abord, je voudrais faire suite à mon précédent post et vous remercier pour vos nombreux messages de soutien, à base de « Erf sry pour toi mec, la mienne marche toujours LOLOLOLOL, kthxbye ». C’était sympa… I dislike you all.

Ce matin je ne me suis pas réveillé avec larmes et cacas de nez séchés sur les joues, c’était donc un matin placé sous le signe de la perplexitude : c’était donc ça, le deuil ? Six jours à convulser en position foetale sur le lino ? Pas de Macadamia Nut Brittle par seaux de 10L ? Pas de coffret DVD « The Great Fuckin’ Hugh Grant Anthology » ?

Déception ? Un peu, quand même.

Ca confirme cependant cette merveilleuse phrase de John Hammond, ce faux sosie de Robert Hue, qui disait « La vie trouve toujours un chemin… »

Alors ?!… Comme phrase qui pue la classe pour chopper, ça se pose là nah ? De rien, faites en bon usage. Mais faites croquer quand même, juste un peu !

En fait lecteur, je te fais tout plein de salamalek dans tes oreilles parce que j’ai un peu honte de t’avouer que j’ai déjà une nouvelle maîtresse. Elle est toute noire, toute en aluminium… Bon ok, c’est pas « elle », c’est « il »… Oui je suis un peu à voile et à vapeur, problem ? Bref il est noir, il est plutôt sportif et il gère les mégabits comme un dieu, tellement c’est un Pentium 9000 dedans. Appelons le « Luc ».

Mais comme dans tout come-back sur une plateforme, j’ai rapidement fini submergé par les nouvelles sorties, les « non non ! joues d’abord à celui là, c’est la base » et les envies de réinstaller de vieux classiques pour les voir tourner comme une horloge suisse romande.

J’ai donc décidé de soumettre ma to-play-list à l’impitoyable Vox Populi. Alors oui, comme ça on se croirait en plein coliséum…

Mais on sait tous très bien qu’en fait il n’y a que cinq ou six pelés en toge assis au fond et moi avec un drap-housse en bandoulière pour faire genre. Jouez le jeu, faites le pour mon deuil… *quel enfoiré*

Bon, donc : de cette honorable liste, quelles propositions valent le coup que je lâche Battlefield BC2 ?

  • Dragon Age : Origins
  • Réinstaller Hitman : Blood Money, encore.
  • Sam&Max : Saisons 1, 2 et 3
  • Réinstaller Deus Ex, OH WAIT, il est toujours installé.
  • Suivre le lapin blanc jusque dans l’enfer Heroes of Newerth et me faire sodomiser à sec par des personnes que j’apprécie de manière non biblique.
  • Retenter Bioshock 2.
  • Plutôt me refaire le premier, parce que quand même, faudrait voir à pas trop déconner.
  • Retenter Mass Effect.
  • [Insérez ici votre suggestion chronophage. Vous pourrirez ainsi toutes mes chances de trouver femme et par extension, de procréer]

A vos crayons de bois les petits foufous !

Tant que j’y pense : Mafia II n’est pas dans la liste, c’est très probablement parce que je suis entrain de le boucler en cet exact moment. Peut être même que j’en causerai sous peu… Vous l’avez lu ici en premier.

Goodbye my lover

sept 13, 2010
5 Commentaires

Depuis combien de temps on se connaissait ? Trois ? Quatre ans ? Tu sais toi ? Dès le départ c’était une histoire pas comme les autres. On s’était connus sur le Net, tu sortais d’une histoire difficile, t’étais pas sûre d’être prète, toussa. Un mec plus jeune que moi, le pauvre n’avait pas su voir le diamant brut sous ta carapace. Quel con. D’un côté je ne le remercierai jamais assez d’avoir été si aveugle : « ce con » nous a permi de faire un bout de chemin merveilleux… Et merde, voilà que les larmes montent. Putain ce que c’est dur…

Lire la suite…