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Blind Test Jeux Vidéo #17

Blind Test Jeux Vidéo #17

Friday = fun. C’est un fait reconnu. Donc à défaut de vous faire rager, le blind test du jour  devrait vous rappeller de bons souvenirs. Ou est-ce l’inverse ? J’ai un doute.

Vos fulgurances de génie dans les commentaires et tentez le coup même si vous n’avez pas les dix, il me faut du com si je veux monétiser mon blog et bouffer gratos avec les autres. Un merci d’amour à ceux qui font tourner le quizz : rien ne vous oblige et vous me faites plaisir en amenant de nouveaux gens fous. Accolades viriles pour les messieurs et baise-mains aux demoiselles. Et mes respects à vos génitrices, bien entendu.

Lettre au Game Designer Inconnu

nov 28, 2011
Lettre au Game Designer Inconnu

Je t’écris parce que personne ne le fera. Je suis peut-être l’un des derniers de mon espèce à être en mesure de réfléchir, aussi j’ai une pensée émue pour toi et tout ce que tu endures ces jours-ci. On ne se connait pas, mais sache que je ressens ta détresse, si loin et si près tout à la fois.

Je t’imagine jeune, fougueux et plein d’espoir. C’est probablement ta première année dans la grande ville, hmm ? À tous les coups ton premier poste dans une vraie équipe de développement de jeux vidéo, voire ton premier vrai jeu. Toutes mes félicitations, tu réalises le rêve de milliers de mômes. La coke, les putes et les pizzas de ton idéal d’ado ont été remplacées par des project managers, des deadlines et des coups de pute des éditeurs, mais qu’importe. Tu fabriques des jeux vidéo, bordel.

Et donc pour ta grande première, tu rêvais comme de juste d’attaquer avec un putain de best-seller, ou tout du moins avec une galette qui génèrerait des ventes respectables. Qui t’en blâmerait ? Déjà parce que ça fait zizir, puis parce que question pied à l’étrier, commencer par créer quelque chose qui vend, c’est quand même plus soyeux.

Un an que tu t’échines, que tu verses sang, larmes et autres fluides pas forcément PEGI 12 sur l’autel d’un jeu dont je connais probablement à peine le titre. Je t’ai peut-être déjà vu dans un dev diary il y a 6 mois, mais j’ai oublié ton visage, ainsi que ton propos. Autant être sincère.

Tu n’es pas un mauvais élément, je suis même convaincu que tes supérieurs sont « très satisfaits de tes apports à ce projet » comme disent les gens importants. Tu joues simplement d’une malchance qui force une certaine forme de respect : tu es game-designer junior sur [jeu anonyme n°14] sorti le [insérer date noyée parmi les dates de sortie de Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3, Skyrim, Assassin's Creed Revelation, Batman Arkham City, Uncharted 3, Xenoblade Chronicles, DotA2 bêta, Rayman Origins, Zelda Skyward Sword, Super Mario 3D, Ultimate Marvel versus Capcom 3, Saints Row The Third et Sonic Generations]. Passons poliment sur les soldes d’automne Steam et consort, j’aimerais tant qu’à faire ne pas avoir ta pendaison sur la conscience.

Donc ouais, c’est ce qui s’appelle de la malmoule artisanale, à ce niveau là. Je sais ce que ça fait : je joue à Game Dev Story sur mon smartphone, du coup toi et moi on est un peu pareils tahvu. Pas sûr qu’elle te fasse rire, celle-ci.

Mais trêve de facéties, je ne t’écris pas pour me payer ta tête. Il faut que tu saches qu’on n’est pas des mauvais bougres et qu’en plus, on a plutôt pour habitude d’admirer les gens qui font ton taf. Puis on garde toujours une petite place dans nos coeurs pour les jeux comme le tien, en temps normal. Sauf que là non, là va falloir nous excuser : on doit vraiment penser à nos petites gueules avant de penser à la tienne. Pour te donner une idée du chaos ambiant : j’ai des potes chômeurs qui ne savent plus où donner de la tête et qui attaquent des jeux deux semaines après leur sortie. Deux. Semaines. En temps de chômeur, deux semaines c’est à la limite de l’abandonware. Autour de moi, ça pose des arrêts maladie par paquets de six, ça annule les diners chez belle-maman et ça envisage la démission surprise tous les matins. Très franchement je pense que tout cela va bientôt nous péter à la gueule.

Alors sois chic, sèche moi ces vilaines larmes de crocodile. Promis : si ton jeu ressort en promo d’ici trois mois, on lui offrira une seconde vie du tonnerre, avec des tweets et des unboxings. Ah non, merde, dans trois mois c’est Diablo III. Bon disons dans…

Ouais non, je suis vraiment désolé. On pense quand même à toi, hein.

Blind Test Jeux Vidéo #16

Comme d’hab, vos réponses dans les commentaires et on ne copie pas sur son voisin du dessous. Enjoy (et faites tourner sur vos réseaux de nerds, qu’on voit ve qu’ils ont dans le buffet) (Merci tout plein)

Boîte vocale

Boîte vocale

Ce blog est suspendu pour cause de Skyrim. À un de ces jours, j’espère.

Quoi j’en pense : Batman Arkham City

Quoi j’en pense : Batman Arkham City

Note : Article 0% de Catwoman : bien que cool à jouer, le perso soit-disant intégré au jeu est locké par un serial d’activation. Impropre au marché de l’occasion, donc. Et ça c’est non.

Rocksteady. J’adore ce nom. Déjà parce qu’il me suffit de le lire pour repenser au super duo que le rhino formait avec Bebop. Et j’ai instantanément cette pure tranche d’angoisse dans la tête. Mais ce n’est pas le sujet, convenons-en. Non non, Rocksteady c’est aussi et surtout le studio qui a su transcender quinze ans de jeux de merde licenciés Batman (ok, pas l’épisode SNES) et livrer l’excellente galette Arkham Asylum en septembre 2009. Au détour d’un séjour à l’asile sus-nommé, Batman en profitait pour remettre quelques pendules à l’heure à grand renfort de gifles de cow-boy et de faufilades prédatrices. Il y avait un grappin, Harley Quinn en spandex et un Joker à la sauce Paul Dini : c’était donc le meilleur jeu de la Terre.

Moi vendu ? Grand dieu non, complètement raisonnable et mesuré bien-sûr. Pas du tout du genre à lâcher la rampe lorsque Rocksteady annonce une suite et prononce le mot free roam. Je suis resté de marbre. Presque. Du putain de free roam dans la ville du crime avec un putain de deltaplane rivé dans le dos. Sans. Déconner. J’ai donc adressé un fier doigt d’honneur à mon banquier, me jetant sur le jeu en day one, après deux mois passés à me convaincre pieusement du contraire. Avouons-le : le sentiment de l’argent bien dépensé, c’est toujours agréable. Mais c’est encore plus délicieux quand ça survient dès les premières minutes de jeu et ne vous quitte pas. Bienvenue à Arkham City.

Dans le cadre d’un programme carcéral exceptionnel, toutes les ordures du pénitencier de Blackgate et de l’asyle d’Arkham ont été parquées et laissées à leur sort dans une enclave au sein de Gotham. C’est farfelu comme idée, certes, mais ça offre un parfait alibi pour nous coller un maximum de vilains du Batverse dans les pattes, à la manière d’un Long Halloween. La comparaison s’arrête malheureusement là : le scénario d’AC est une sorte de commode rustique à tiroirs, tantôt immenses et vides, tantôt minuscules et blindés jusqu’à la gueule, d’autres encore qui font mine de s’ouvrir, mais en fait non. Si le joyeux boxon gênera à coup sûr les amoureux du beau scénar, nul doute que les enfants de France 3 sauront se montrer magnanimes : on trempe gaiement dans le bestiaire de la série animée. Malheureusement, on pourra s’estimer heureux si le jeu offre un voire deux boss fights dignes d’intérêt, les autres face à face se terminant soit dans un affrontement décérébré, soit d’une pichenette en cutscene. Un peu frustrant, mais je préfère tout de même qu’on me case les 3/4 de la mythologie Batman au chausse-pied dans mon jeu à 60 euros que de devoir acheter des tiroirs additionnels sous forme de DLC hors de prix. Eh oui.

Mais trêve de considérations de cols blancs : Arkham City est un jeu qui parle d’abord aux instincts. D’un coup de grappin, on prend la hauteur nécessaire pour dérouler sous nos ailes un terrain de chasse juste sidérant : usines, zones portuaires, monuments et ruines en tout genre, défigurés par les affrontements et la crasse et baignés d’un clair de lune froid… C’est vaste, beau et sacrément cohérent. L’une de ces ambiances dont les odeurs de pisse viendraient presque picoter les narines. Mon conseil santé : dès vos premières secondes de liberté dans la ville, foncez relever vos premiers défis de vol en réalité augmentée. Vous débloquerez le grappin amélioré, le petit jouet de l’amour qui permet de voler librement et indéfiniment. Ceci fait, la ville est littéralement à vous. Coeur avec les batarangs.

Une fois vos ailes vengeresses déployées, attention au vertige : entre trame principale, enquêtes secondaires et défis pour trophy-whores, Arkham City déborde de contenu. Difficile de planer sur plus de 50 mètres sans intercepter un appel au secours, tomber sur une scène de crime ou tout simplement sur une bande de rigolos qui rêvent d’embrasser vos phalanges. En sus des nombreuses side-quests, l’Homme-Mystère a encore planqué des trophées et des énigmes dans toute la ville. La sauce prend ici largement mieux que dans Asylum, le tout s’inscrivant maintenant dans une course aux otages assez sympathique. Et puis merde, rien que pour l’excellente enquête du tueur du téléphone… Non vraiment, bouclez votre ceinture multi-fonction : Arkham City verse dans une richesse et une générosité qui force le respect.

En intérieur, le jeu reprend les grandes lignes du gameplay d’Arkham Asylum : 50% tatane ultra-dynamique, 50% infiltration. Oh bien-sûr, le système de combat est un poil plus diversifié – plus exigeant aussi – et les passages furtifs bénéficient de quelques gadgets supplémentaires, mais la différence reste ténue. J’avais adoré le dosage des différents gameplay dans l’opus précédent, me voilà à nouveau comblé ici. En revanche, impossible de ne pas pousser une gueulante sur l’omniprésence de la Vision du Détective. L’un des plus gros défauts du premier épisode est bel et bien de retour, malgré les promesses de Rocksteady : on passe 70% de son temps dans un mode de vision thermique bleu-triste. L’excellent boulot de direction artistique en ressort tout rabougri et c’est quand même super dommage.

Arkham City n’est pas exempt de défauts : une histoire un peu bordélique, des personnages pas toujours aussi dévelop.. DU VOL LIBRE EN DELTAPLANE AVEC UN FEELING QUI POUTRE. DES CHUTES LIBRES SUR LE FACIES DES MÉCHANTS. FLÛTE À LA FIN, FALLAIT QUE ÇA SORTE.

Blind Test Jeux Vidéo #15

Blind Test Jeux Vidéo #15

Fatigué ? Elle était longue cette semaine de trois jours, oh oui hein, sacrément dure la vie. Du coup t’en secoue pas une au bureau, j’imagine. Pas bravo, ce sont des personnes comme toi qui pourrissent le système et font pleurer les rentiers. Tiens, t’as qu’à emporter tout le monde dans ta chute : enjoy moi ce blind test et fais tourner à toute ton équipe de glandeurs.

Joue bien tout ton saoul jusqu’à lundi et n’oublie pas de te laver le nombril. C’est important.